Random streams of consciousness…

So another few weeks have come and gone. What happened?

For me…a lot.

My first seminary class has been disposed of and I ended it with an “A”. For a guy working 70 hours a week, getting that “A” is an immense source of pride.

I’ve never been known for taking the easy way out of things. A lot of has to do with I’ve seen so many people harmed by getting things handed to them. They work hard but they do not have to struggle. I’ve learned struggling leads to growth and appreciation. The question becomes, when is struggling all the time healthy?

Right now, I’m tired. I’m tired of having to work so hard with very little payoff. I’m tired of never being able to do things that interest me.

Last night was hard for me. Sunday and Monday I had the joy to spend some time being “Uncle Trace” to my two cousins Anna Rhea and Leah, 11 and 8 respectively. Anna particularly looks up to me and I was glad to spend some one-0n-one time driving around with her and going to Wal-Mart and things that are such.

The problem, I’ve been so busy that I didn’t have any energy. I was so tired that I moved slowly and it was hard to put together coherent things to ask her about. Instead of being the cool older cousin who wanted to jump in the pool and have fun, I was the tired old guy who laid by the pool and watched.

Their older brothers Luke and Josh, 15 and 13, came late Monday before I had to come back home. I had barely an hour to see them and I didn’t have the energy to talk to them much or spend much more time than play a game of cards with them before I had to drive back home to do school work.

Last night I couldn’t sleep because I know I might have let them down because I couldn’t be me. I was so tired that I went through the motions. For me, that’s unacceptable. I see them once, maybe twice a year if I’m lucky. To not be on my “A” game, makes me sad.

Being so busy makes me wonder, is this all worth it?

Prayers for right now:
God to open a door to ONE full-time job that’ll let me continue to pay my bills and pay cash for my seminary tuition. Not being able to enjoy my time with those kids has bummed me out and I don’t want to turn around 5 years from now and have regrets.

Sorry to be so melancholy. It was not my intention to whine nor am I looking for sympathy. One of my biggest downfalls is my inability to be transparent. As one friend puts it, “all my cards are very close to my chest and rarely does anyone see me play them.”

I think it’s time to show parts of my hand a bit more now….I’m tired of feeling this way…..

1st step to recovery today….figure out when I can go see my cousins and spend meaningful time with them, rested and alert.