Random streams of consciousness…

So another few weeks have come and gone. What happened?

For me…a lot.

My first seminary class has been disposed of and I ended it with an “A”. For a guy working 70 hours a week, getting that “A” is an immense source of pride.

I’ve never been known for taking the easy way out of things. A lot of has to do with I’ve seen so many people harmed by getting things handed to them. They work hard but they do not have to struggle. I’ve learned struggling leads to growth and appreciation. The question becomes, when is struggling all the time healthy?

Right now, I’m tired. I’m tired of having to work so hard with very little payoff. I’m tired of never being able to do things that interest me.

Last night was hard for me. Sunday and Monday I had the joy to spend some time being “Uncle Trace” to my two cousins Anna Rhea and Leah, 11 and 8 respectively. Anna particularly looks up to me and I was glad to spend some one-0n-one time driving around with her and going to Wal-Mart and things that are such.

The problem, I’ve been so busy that I didn’t have any energy. I was so tired that I moved slowly and it was hard to put together coherent things to ask her about. Instead of being the cool older cousin who wanted to jump in the pool and have fun, I was the tired old guy who laid by the pool and watched.

Their older brothers Luke and Josh, 15 and 13, came late Monday before I had to come back home. I had barely an hour to see them and I didn’t have the energy to talk to them much or spend much more time than play a game of cards with them before I had to drive back home to do school work.

Last night I couldn’t sleep because I know I might have let them down because I couldn’t be me. I was so tired that I went through the motions. For me, that’s unacceptable. I see them once, maybe twice a year if I’m lucky. To not be on my “A” game, makes me sad.

Being so busy makes me wonder, is this all worth it?

Prayers for right now:
God to open a door to ONE full-time job that’ll let me continue to pay my bills and pay cash for my seminary tuition. Not being able to enjoy my time with those kids has bummed me out and I don’t want to turn around 5 years from now and have regrets.

Sorry to be so melancholy. It was not my intention to whine nor am I looking for sympathy. One of my biggest downfalls is my inability to be transparent. As one friend puts it, “all my cards are very close to my chest and rarely does anyone see me play them.”

I think it’s time to show parts of my hand a bit more now….I’m tired of feeling this way…..

1st step to recovery today….figure out when I can go see my cousins and spend meaningful time with them, rested and alert.

The Un-Ending Pursuit

I haven’t been blogging all that much but I want all of you to know I am very flattered and humbled that so many of you would bother reading what I have to say. I feel because you all do keep track of this blog, that I should make it a point to try and update it more often. So here’s an attempt at that…..

Life is always in a state of flux. Rarely are we ever still and complacent.

What I mean by this is that even when God has us in a state of what we call “stuckness”, there is immense growth and preparation taking place. We only have to step back and open our eyes and see it.

There’s not been a lot of movement in terms of job opportunities for me. I’m very happy with my current community and my day job pays well, but it is by no means what I want to do for the next 5 years, much less the rest of my life.

As I’ve stated previously, I’ve started seminary and am moving towards what I feel the calling is God has placed on my heart. My desire to see people engage in a true relationship with Him and each other is becoming brighter. Providing a solid theological backdrop is the current step.

It’s amazing to see that to truly live a full life in Christ, there must be an un-ending pursuit to know Him and discover what His heart was, is, and always will be. The mind and heart of Christ is a simple idea wrapped in very complex terms. The radical nature of what He said changed the world. Something I have learned in school (which should be obvious but in reality, isn’t all that obvious if you don’t dig beneath the surface) is that  the early Church in the 1st century had such a zealousness to spread the Good News that they had people dedicated to just copying the books and letters that eventually made up the New Testament Canon. These scribes would literally spend years making copies so that ALL of God’s people could have copies of the word.

Until this point, the Old Testament Canon had been limited primarily to the priests in the synagogue. For the first time, people had direct access to the scripture.

What’s further amazing is that the Bible survived years and years and years in a handwritten form until the invention of the printing press centuries later.

I write all of this because the un-ending pursuit of the heart of God is presented within the pages of a book we take for granted so often. It is full of wisdom, love, and how we should live our lives. Not just to “win” others to Jesus but to bring them in to fellowship with the Creator of the Universe.

To close, there is a man that I will always be thankful for despite the journey he is on now. He once said to me  “if you immerse yourself in the scriptures, it will pour out of you.”

I pray that all of you would continue this un-ending pursuit of the heart of God and that the love and wisdom of the scriptures would pour out of you. Feed yourself, find a community of believers to do life with, and ultimately learn to love others with the heart of Christ.

 

So a new adventure begins…

A new step in my life began two weeks ago. I officially started my journey to what God has next for me. I started seminary.

It was not a decision that was easy for me. For one, I’m paying for this one. Secondly, I’m already working 70 hours a week. How am I going to fit school in with a crazy schedule like that?

Well, quite easily actually.

The last two weeks I’ve already written close to 2000 words in assignments, taken a quiz, and started writing a bible study on John from the New Testament. What are my grades so far? A 95 on the quiz and a 97 on my papers.

Not too shabby.

I’ve learned a lot in the past two weeks. We’ve been concentrating on the political background of the Jewish culture and the influence of Hellenism (the spread of Roman/Greek culture) on it. What I’ve learned has given  me tremendous background for the stage of influence Jesus could have in that time period. There are already light bulbs clicking on concerning what I’ve studied.

What does it mean? Pray I’ll keep up the consistency with my school work. Pray I’ll stick with it. Pray my other two jobs won’t suffer because I have school work to do 4 days out of the week to keep up.

Master’s in Theology….here I come…

Things I Love Thursday

So my friend Lindsay (read her list here) had a blog idea that I read and am now copying. A rare un-orginial post this is but I once read that real artists starve and the smart ones steal….or something along those lines.

Things I love….

• Listening to vinyl records. There’s nothing like sliding a record out of its sleeve, slipping it on a turntable, lying down on the floor (even my hardwood floors!), closing your eyes, and getting lost in the warm, soothing tones.
• Flickerstick. The band of choice that comes up when I need something to get my day moving. Put on “Smile” from Welcoming Home the Astronauts or “Sorry, Wrong Trajectory” from Causing a Catastrophe and tell me it doesn’t get you ready to rock either.
• Books. I love how books feel and smell. There’s nothing quite like picking up a new book, thumbing through the pages quickly and getting a whiff of ink and paper before exploring the story or knowledge inside.
• Being a quasi-pastor. I say quasi because I don’t have the title but do many pastoral things in my church and as of next week am officially on my way to a Master’s in Theology. Woot! It also helps that I love my community I serve in, Element3 Church.
• My friends. There’s nothing quite like a fun night at the Trio’s house for beverages, Call of Duty, games like “Things”, running charades, and laughs.
• The movie Rudy. I swear. I don’t cry hardly ever. My grandmother died and I never even got choked up. I guess it comes with being an Armstrong. However, every time I watch Rudy, I cry at the end. Maybe its because I always feel like that underdog being held back and just looking for a chance to prove he can be good too. That heart and guts can get you somewhere if you’re patient and hang in there. The part where he gets in the game and makes the final tackle with his family crying and they carry him off the field, I cry every time and stay messed up for a good hour afterwards.
• Country Fried Steak. I know it’s bad for me but you know what, it’s delicious. Smother it in Sawmill gravy and I’ll slap a grandma to eat it.
• Non-Starbucks coffee shops. I love the Redeye (shameless plug) and I’ve really learned to love Grass Roots in Thomasville. There’s something about walking in and being hit with the aroma of brewing coffee. The ability to sit down and work or read a book while enjoying a cup of joe. It’s a little slice of heaven.
• My iPod. I use this object more than anything. With a busy schedule like mine, being able to download podcasts and stay updated on what’s going on in the world is essential.
• Snoopy. I love the Peanuts Gang but especially Snoopy. I have close to 30 something Snoopys in my apartment. Seriously. Always there, waiting for a hug. I know that’s lame but there’s just something about Snoopy.
• Classic Disney Animated Movies. Throw in Pinocchio or Bambi and I’m a happy guy.
• Going to the Greenway and lying by the water. When I have a free day (usually only Saturday), I go here and relax for a while. Enjoying the weather, the view, and the way the grass feels between my toes.
• My family. I don’t see them enough. We talk on the phone a lot and we make do. Without them, through the good and the bad, I wouldn’t be here so I will always love and be grateful for them.

There are many more but today, I’m very thankful for these…..

Why Hate?

Today is a day that makes me question why I do what I do.

I serve a wonderful community of people but watching this message of hate on several fronts today is saddening.

Are we better off Osama is not on this earth? Probably.

Am I glad that people DIRECTLY affected by 9/11 have closure? Definitely.

Do I applaud our military for doing their job well with no civilian casualties? HECK YES!!

But look at your Twitter and Facebook feeds today….

People are openly celebrating death. People filled the streets of DC and NYC last night celebrating the death of a man.

I’ve also seen people direct hate at people/entities that are not Osama bin Laden.

People are making fun of Republicans and former President Bush because Obama killed Osama rather than him.

People are mocking Fox News and indirectly the people that work there.

People are using the death of Osama as justification for why their own ideology is correct.

I was flipping through tv last night and I saw Fox News treating the event like Christmas. I saw CNN use it as a way to enforce the war agenda. I don’t know how NBC or CBS  spun it but no one watches them anyway (I kid I kid).

Essentially, the death of one man is bringing to the forefront the true feelings in the hearts of many (some even people I know) and it makes me hurt.

Because if all these people are so filled with prideful hate….what’s the point?

Love conquers all. Set your mind on things of heaven and not of earth.

Infighting Within The Church: The Two Sides of the Coin

I know I’m fashionably late to this blog. Anyone who blogs and reads either Rob Bell or John Piper has jumped into this conversation a month ago and promptly forgotten about it.

I however have not.

Let me start by clearly stating this blog is not intended to support or demean either man or their ministry. It’s strictly commentary on the situation surrounding these two real or imagined.

Rob Bell recently released a book called “Love Wins” that talks about the realities of heaven and hell and what he considers to be inaccurate earthly views that have become the common belief of the Big C Church pertaining to these two subjects. I have read the book and did not find it to be nearly as controversial as others. The reason being that if you have read N.T. Wright’s book “Surprised by Hope”, you’ve read a more scholarly attempt at writing about the same subject and nothing in “Love Wins” will surprise you.

Shocking? Not so much…

So why is John Piper tweeting dismissively about Rob Bell’s book and character?

Here’s what it comes down to. N.T. Wright  is considered one of the best theologians in the world and his books are full of deep thoughts and explanations all backed up with scholarly references or specific interpretations of the Bible.  Rob Bell is a modern guy at an innovative church in Michigan who is already at the center of debate in many church culture circles. So who will make bigger waves writing about misconceptions on heaven and hell? Rob Bell or N.T. Wright?

Most people would pick Rob Bell (as would I) because he’s a much more well known target already at the center of controversy.

Here’s a fun fact, N.T. Wright and John Piper have had their scholarly disagreements aired publicly with the difference being Piper has chosen to respond with blog posts and books countering many of N.T. Wright’s arguments concerning the meaning of Justification as written by Paul in the New Testament. Why? Because it’s harder to create a stir with someone as well respected as N.T. Wright in the theological community.

Rob Bell is the easy target, N.T. Wright is not.

So what’s the point? What’s right or wrong with the recent public spat?

One side of the coin….

Public debate about theology is good for the Body of Christ because it forces us to study the Word, discuss it, defend it, and live it. It also presents opportunity for people that have never heard these thoughts or processes to receive new information and digest it and take part in the conversation as well.
The other side of the coin…

When it goes beyond debate to arguing, name calling, and overall mean spirited comments, it makes the Big C Church look like a bunch of buffoons who attack each other over theological differences.

John Piper is very relevant to public conversation on the Spirit of God. His writing about the glory of God and it’s importance in our lives affected me deeply as a young twenty something. I can point to “Don’t Waste Your Life” as one of the books that helped me see the importance of God’s glory and evangelism in my walk.

What’s sad about the current situation is by ripping Rob Bell and doing so very publicly, he has turned off a large portion of the Big C Church that NEED to read and hear what he says about the Glory of God and its importance.

These statements have also caused arguments amongst the Body, and this practice is what bothers me most.

What good is it doing to rip each other’s theology apart? Why is it funny that websites have been created to sell “Team Bell” and “Team Piper” shirts? To me, it’s not funny. It’s sad.

God is not being glorified and genuine conversation about thoughts arising in scripture get lost in the commentary.

The night before Jesus died, He prayed in the garden that:

“For their sakes I sanctify Myself, that they themselves also may be sanctified in truth. “I do not ask on behalf of these alone, but for those also who believe in Me through their word; that they may all be one; even as You, Father, are in Me and I in You, that they also may be in Us, so that the world may believe that You sent Me.” (John 17: 19-21)

He prayed we would be sanctified in truth and that we would all be One. Why? So that the world may believe that Jesus was sent by God?

So…how does this infighting help bind us together as one so the world may believe that Jesus was sent by God?

Simple…it doesn’t.

The Gates…(immediate thoughts I’m pondering)

So today I’m doing something I’ve never done before. I’m blogging less than an hour after hearing E3′s Lead Pastor, Mark McNees, give a talk about the gates of hell.

Seriously…

It was in relation to the passage in Matthew concerning Jesus asking His followers “Who do you say that I am?” in chapter 16. The interesting part is Simon Peter responds by saying that Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God. This is the first recorded declaration that Peter makes concerning just who Jesus is.

Jesus responds by saying that on this Rock I will build my church.

It’s a statement that I’ve read many times but missed the point of until this morning. Mark explained that the area where they were conversing was a place where there was a pagan church for the god of fertility. Furthermore, the pagan church was built into a cliff where there was a crack and it was believed in that area that it was the gates of hell. That all the demons, misfortune, etc. came from this place.

Jesus is referring to two things by saying that on this Rock I will build my church.

1. The Greek translations says petros (which means small stone) and it infers that Peter, the disciples, etc. will be the foundation of the Church.

2. (These are my thoughts here) I also think Jesus is communicating that on that very spot where men worshiped a false god of fertility and it was believed the gates of hell opened, he would build His Church.

The more I think about it this morning, the symbolism is building in my mind and heart. In the very heart of darkness, the most undesirable of places, Christ was establishing His church.

So where does that leave us?

Are we taking the light of Jesus and establishing the foundation of His church where the hearts of darkness have temporarily overcome? Are we going into areas where the undesirables live?

Are we too safe?

As a very new project is coming on the horizon in the coming weeks, I will keep asking these questions.

The big question I have now is…..are we becoming the foundation?

How writing a football column saved my creativity….(or art revisited)

I’ve always been very critical of music. Maybe it’s because my whole life I’ve been so invested in it. For whatever reason criticism is the knee jerk reaction to any music you listen to. Is it good? Is it bad? What will my friends say if I like it and they don’t?

Go on any message board, Facebook page, Twitter feed, you’ll see people being critics towards everything. They have their opinion and by golly their opinion is the gospel truth.

I used to think this way as well but over the past year something happened. I started creating more intently and a lot of what I created was rejected or dismissed. It wasn’t so much that people didn’t like it, but that people rejected it without thinking about it. So I gave up on writing and essentially started existing. Then a funny thing happened.

I started writing a football column.

It took me writing a football column to get my creative mojo back because I had truly lost my creative functionality and I became a very miserable person. The feedback I received from some people regarding the football column got me excited about creating again. Writing the football blogs and them being appreciated got me thinking that maybe just maybe it was time to get creative again.

I then realized that wasn’t the point. The point is that I was trying to live up to the expectations of critics.

The real idea behind art is for an artist to express what he or she is feeling and to share that feeling with others. That’s hard to do. For an artist to put his work out there to be consumed by the masses is a risk. The risk is that his art will be rejected. Therein lies the problem.

I realized the criticism isn’t just ingrained; it’s a defense mechanism. All people are creative in some way but the problem is most people do not take the risk of sharing their creativity. They themselves are too afraid their art will be criticized so the defense mechanism is to point blame at others and say what’s wrong with their art.

So what’s the solution?

For me, it was to let go of the fear of criticism. I resolved within myself that God created me to be who I am. The creative parts, the bad parts, and the confused hurt parts.  I now feel lucky that I rest comfortably in my creativity. Do other people think it’s good? Some do. Others, not so much and that’s ok. I truly do not care anymore if people don’t like what I create. If I like it and it becomes an expression of how I’m feeling, then it is considered good.

I have finally reached a point in my life where I can truly say, the criticism of  my “art” by others no longer effects my self worth and for me that’s freedom.

How did it happen? Writing a football column. It saved my creativity and the mojo is back and it’s a beautiful thing.

I am a Rugged Maniac

Becoming a Rugged Maniac

Recently I made the rather stupid decision to sign up and run a 5k obstacle course designed by Navy Seals. No joke. I’ve been out of shape for a year and I needed motivation to get myself exercising and living healthy again. I dislike running in gene

ral and my preferred method of exercise is playing sports. For the past couple of years I’ve been working 70 hour weeks and time has not opened to where I can do that. This presented a problem as I have two jobs where I sit….a lot. So in the past year I’ve gained 30 pounds. Over the fall I started looking at myself in the mirror and not liking what’s happening to my pudgy gut. The problem is when you haven’t exercised regularly in a while, it’s hard to get motivated. Enter Rugged Maniac.

I needed a goal to motivate me to get in shape. The chance to run this course and do it with some friends of mine was a double win. So, I signed up and I started training. It took a while to get in a groove but once I did I went close to three weeks running every n

ight. I finally hit the 5k mark the week of the race and thought I was ready. I wasn’t….

There were several miscalculations the biggest of which was me wearing military BDU pants. Had I worn shorts, I would have finished much faster than I did. Running in sand is difficult in shorts. In COMPLETELY SOAKED pants, it’s near impossible.

Regardless, I finished without stopping. I didn’t lay on the ground during the race, I didn’t vomit; I finished.

I was fortunate enough that in my final moments Dan Meyer was cheering me on and running the last few yards and I tiredly ran my way over the finish line. It gave me the motivation to finish.

So where does that live me now? I’m still 25 pounds over my ideal weight I feel comfortable with. To deal with this, I decided to join a gym. How to find the time to workout 5 days a week was the challenge. Enter YouFit. A gym opened up right next to E3 and it is only going to cost me $10/month. Bonus….they are open to midnight most of the nights I’m over the direction. I can now work out somewhere near where I’m already going a good portion of my week.

So, thank you Rugged Maniac for motivating me to get in shape, and thank you for not letting me quit now that it is over. Very soon, I will be a REAL Rugged Maniac.

What I’ve Been Up To

It’s been a while since I updated what is happening in my life so now is as good a time as any.

Back in the fall E3 had this little thing called Pathways and it was quite exhausting. Going back before that I was the interim worship pastor at E3 while our lead pastor was on a sabbatical. By the time November rolled around I was quite tired and ready for a break, so I took one. From the beginning of December until Jan. 3, I did not work at E3. It was the most time I had taken off from E3 since 2007 and it was a much needed rest. I had done some calculations and realized I had been involved in some way at almost every E3 gathering since 2007. A breather was needed.

So what did I do with my time off? Not much to tell the truth. I read some books, watched some movies, did some writing, wrote some football blogs,  some soul searching, worked at my day job, and went home to DC for Christmas. It truly was a time of rest and it allowed me some much needed room to think. I came to some conclusions a few of which may surprise you, and some of which will make you groan.

1. I got back into vinyl records. Yes, it’s a bit cheesy but I love the sound of vinyl, the mid ranges are missed in most digital downloads and having that warm, clean sound is a comfort to a music snob like myself. I received some money at Christmas and was told to not spend it on bills, so I didn’t. I bought records. I was able to add to my small collection of DC*B Church Music and the Jars of Clay Self Titled some interesting finds like: Magic, Working On A Dream, and The Promise by Bruce Springsteen; Garden Ruin by Calexico; Much Afraid by Jars of Clay; The Boxer and Alligator by The National; and last but certainly not least, Unplugged and In Utero by Nirvana.

2. I read some interesting books. Untamed by Alan and Debra Hirsch, Decision Points by President George W. Bush, Generation iY by Tim Elmore, the new Clancy book, the new Grisham book, and some digital books I can’t remember on my new Kindle (that’s a fun story how I won that, right Dan M?).

3. I re-watched a lot of my West Wing Box Sets. Such a great show, matter of fact, I will devote a blog just to its awesomeness at a later date.

4. I listened to where God was pushing me. It took steps 1-3 a long time to help me relax. I was burnt to a crisp. My energy level had faded and even thinking beyond the next day was too much. Once 1-3 took root, I was able to crack open my Bible and talk to God honestly about my life. In time He reveled the next step and that step is….

I’ve applied to Seminary. I have been on a path towards being a Full-Time Worship Pastor for a while. Still may be. I don’t know what’s in the cards, but I found that I love to teach, I love to write, I love to analyze and I love to read. I’ve learned so much and there’s still more I want to learn and God was pushing me to the next step. The next step is getting a Master’s of Theology and see what doors come from that. I’m single (something that is a blessing and a curse the closer I get to 30), have no debt, and barely am at the poverty line so I may qualify for some grants and aid to go. So I am taking the plunge.

If you are tired, if you are weary, find a way to relax and clear your brain. God is speaking to you, only you can’t hear him sometimes with your busyness. I implore you to unwind, get quiet, and start listening. Once you re-learn to listen, the seeking become easier and clearer.

I tell my story in hopes that some of you will do the same. I have much to do and many miles before I sleep, but I rest easier knowing I’m seeking and walking the path in the right direction again.